Finding Your Voice

It's been insanely crazy how much traffic this blog has gotten in the short amount of time that I have been writing. I never thought that my story would reach people on the level that it has. Having people reach out to me about their own personal experiences with what has happened in their lives just shows me I'm not alone in what I have been through. Honestly I have mixed emotions about it, I'm not sad that they have reached out, that is the part I really enjoy, I enjoy connecting with people and being able to show them they don't have to sit back and just marinate in their trauma. The part that saddens me is how many people deal with family trauma, relationship trauma, or just life trauma in general and never find their voice to speak about it.

The reason I started this blog was a way for me to let out my frustrations about what I have dealt with, but hearing from people I feel I now have a greater purpose. I want to help people find their voices. I am not going to quit telling my story no matter how many people get upset. It's not their story to tell, or their story to silence...IT'S MINE! If I can use my voice to help others find their own, that's what I am going to do.

Finding your voice after many years of not having one, or holding it back is so incredibly difficult. You will find yourself losing people, or people turning on you. These people will be the ones you thought you were closest with, but turns out they will also be the ones who have tried/did control you for most of your life. Let me just tell you IT'S OKAY TO LET THEM GO! You need to ask yourself " What good or positive purpose does this person have in my life?" Think long and hard about it. It may take a traumatic event or you just get to your last straw, but after you cut this person or people off at first it will be so painful, heart breaking, but yet liberating all at the same time! It is honestly one of the scariest moments of your life. It definitely was for myself. I felt so lost for a moment. The people I have lost in my life were people I grew up with, people I love, people I trusted the most, and anytime I was going through something or just called to say hello they were now not around anymore. I couldn't call them anymore. At first I cried everyday, then that started to be less and less and now I don't cry at all. However, this has taken me over 3 years to get through, and lots of therapy and asking myself why did this happen. I now can look back at things I have been through and I can breathe a sigh of relief that I can go through holidays, vacations, and visits with people with no fights about anything and I love that. I don't have to worry if I upset them or said something they didn't like or just did something they didn't like. I found my voice! Most important I found Myself!

When finding your voice you have to believe in yourself and know you are speaking YOUR TRUTH and not let anyone sway you or make you feel like what you feel is wrong. Believe me I have had a few people try to tell me what I feel isn't valid and right there it shows me how much they really don't care what I am going through they only care about their own justification, and you know what I am in a place now where that's ok. I don't need their opinion and their opinion doesn't effect my daily life. You will get there too! Stay Strong!

I was actually speaking with someone last night who went through something very similar to what I was going through the only difference was she was my daughter in the story and it was very interesting hearing it from that side. She told me she would never be able to forgive the person who hurt/ betrayed her and you know I thought the very same thing in the beginning and honestly till recent. I gave her a bible verse that I have been reading over and over again about forgiveness.... Matthew 6:14-15 " For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your father will not forgive your sins." This is such a heavy verse for me and I know for her and many others. I would sit and wonder how could I ever forgive them for the wrongs they have done against not only me but my family, and you know what ... I came to the realization the forgiveness isn't for them, it's for myself. It's so that I can move forward and not dwell on what has happened. I can honestly thank them now for making me stronger. They have taught me a valuable life lesson and I now am incredibly picky about who I let in my life. You could say I am much more in touch with reading people and if they are going to benefit mine and my families life or if that person will become a detriment.

I am going to say this out loud today for the very first time and it has taken me 3 years to even be okay with saying... "I forgive you! This does not give you a path back into my life, but I am letting you go and moving forward with my life, with the strength of God by my side, I again Forgive you!"

I hope someday those that are struggling and reading this you find your voice and if you did find your voice you find a way to forgive so that you may let go and move forward.