"Mother"

To most this is a beautiful, happy word, to myself it's a word of pain, conflict, angst, and anxiety. I'm going through the internet to find what defines a Mother... things that pop up are "a woman in relation to her children", "bringing up a child with care and affection" Then I ask the Google... "Describe Mother" and it says best adjectives that describe a mother are " Loving, Compassionate, Endearing, Kind, Protective, Strong, Extraordinary, Intuitive, Caring, and Mindful." I would say Yes! That is what most of us strive for when being a mother or having a mother. Most the women that I have in my life that are Mothers this would most definitely describe them and I am so grateful to have them all in my life. How would you describe your Mother??

However, in the last 3.5 years I have been battling one of the hardest battles I ever thought I would face from my own "Mother" I always thought sure my mom and I have disagreements that's just part of being your own person and having your own thoughts and opinions. I never thought in a million years that my disagreement would lead me to fighting to save my family. To say I have been betrayed, hurt, backstabbed, and lied about to the upmost level would be an understatement. These are never things that you would want to describe your "Mother" a person who was suppose to love you no matter what.

I listen to this song often and it gives me strength and peace with what I have been through with my "Mother".

Praying by Kesha

Well, you almost had me fooled Told me that I was nothing without you Oh, but after everything you've done I can thank you for how strong I have become 'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell I had to learn how to fight for myself And we both know all the truth I could tell

I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell" I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin' I hope your soul is changin', changin' I hope you find your peace Falling on your knees, prayin' I'm proud of who I am No more monsters, I can breathe again And you said that I was done Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come 'Cause I can make it on my own, oh And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain, oh When I'm finished, they won't even know your name You brought the flames and you put me through hell I had to learn how to fight for myself And we both know all the truth I could tell I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell" I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin' I hope your soul is changin', changin' I hope you find your peace Falling on your knees, prayin' Ah sometimes, I pray for you at night, oh Someday, maybe you'll see the light Whoa oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give But some things only God can forgive Yeah! (I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin') I hope your soul is changin', changin' I hope you find your peace Falling on your knees, prayin'

Just reading the words to this song hit so deep for me. It's so unfortunate that this is the song I have for her and what our relationship or lack there of has been dwindled to. The real sad part for me is she has lost her daughter and I a "Mother" she will never apologize and to this day says "I cut everyone out" and "it was my decision- no one else's" For now I will just leave you with the song and it's depth as I can not speak to details... YET.